Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!

If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.

You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.

Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.

Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.

Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?

How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.

Let’s take an elfie.

I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"

How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.

My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".

How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.

I think you’re dandelion.

I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.

What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J

Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!

I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."

One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.

How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!

A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.

Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey

What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!

"Giving you more reasons to wine."

How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?

“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown

What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.

What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!

I've only got three months to live.

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn

You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.

Don't fork-get your manners.

“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner

“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova

"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)

Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”

What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!

"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"

"Will you be my Valenstein?"

What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.

What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.

"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."

Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"

I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.

What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia