There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
Want to become my new personal best?
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
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