Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
Don't get tide down.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
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