What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Let's boomerbang!
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
Go to BabaMail
