Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.

Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!

“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao

Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.

Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.

"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer

Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.

If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'

What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.

If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.

Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

I’d love to spend some time Matthew

How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.

Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.

I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.

No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.

Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.

Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.

How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.

The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.

What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.

"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner

How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!

How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.

Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.

What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.

What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.

A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.

My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.

Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.

What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill

What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus

One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.

Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.

Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!

The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.

I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.

"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama

Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.

"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones

Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.