"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
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