How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
It’s snow joke.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
This summer is going swimmingly.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Don’t be elfish.
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Funny meat-ing you here.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
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