Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
Man: Did you fall from heaven?
Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.
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