What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
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