What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.
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