“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
I’m soy into you.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
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