Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
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