Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
Funny meat-ing you here.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
Just brew it!
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
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