My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I'm just going to say it: I'm Wilde about you.
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Know what? I dig you, really!
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
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