“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
I can't let it be until I get your number.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
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