What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
My frinds call me Legato, since I'm so smooth
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
Irish you were beer.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
More candles means a bigger wish!
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