How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
Go to BabaMail
