Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
If I got a star for every time I thought of you, I would have a whole galaxy.
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
I only have ice for you.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
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