Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
Water you doing on [date]?
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
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