You’re wine in a million.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
"For peep's sake."
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
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