What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
Let’s get elf-ed up.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Nice asteroids.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
I bet you’re really flexible.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
Go to BabaMail
