What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
Everybody romaine calm.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
I’m very frond of you.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
I have the final sleigh.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
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