I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.

“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”

- Franklin P. Jones.

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!

I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.

“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner

My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.

"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."

Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.

What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble

What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.

Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.

Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.

Knock knock…

Who’s there?

Voodoo.

Voodoo who?

Voodoo you think you are?

Green glass globes glow greenly.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.

How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!

If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?

A few punny Wifi names you can use:

Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi

Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.

Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.

Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.

Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.

Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.

French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”

If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.

“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”

- Kelkulus.

All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.

When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.

Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.

Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat

Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?

I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.

What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.

What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.

Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac

My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.

I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.

Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."