Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
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