What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
Snow on and snow forth.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
I think you're mer-mazing.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
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