You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
You shamrock my world.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
The ocean made me salty.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
Love me till ice cream.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
Whatever coats your boat.
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