My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
Beach you to it.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
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