If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Wow, you drive me Davi
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
"Dying to have fun."
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
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