Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
"Some bunny loves you."
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
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