What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.

My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.

What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”

"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey

My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.

What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.

“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler

Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.

“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams

These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.

If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?

Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

Are you a human? Just making sure.

Can I show you my yellow submarine?

What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.

You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.

How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.

I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.

If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.

What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!

What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.

"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.

"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."

– Lazar Angelov

My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."

Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet

Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.

What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.

Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.

What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.

What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!

I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.

I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!

Fishing you a happy day.

What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.

What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”

"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown

Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.

How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.

Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.

What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!

Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp

“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown

I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.