What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Honestly, I really lilac you.
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
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