“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
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