I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.

"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."

What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.

What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!

Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.

What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!

I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.

"The Little Turtle"

There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.

He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.

He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.

– Vachel Lindsay

Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.

She has high elf-esteem.

Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!

Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha

What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!

What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.

“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.

“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”

If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.

What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.

It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.

Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.

What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!

Up to snow good.

Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.

Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll

What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.

Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile

“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown

How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.

What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.

Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.

What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.

"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.

A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.

She is sadly mist.

Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!

What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.

If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.

“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers

Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.