What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
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