Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
Burst into cheers!
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
God was just showing off when he made you.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
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