Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
The pint’s the limit.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
Treat yo'elf.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
Hey I am like a Rubik's cube the more you play with me the harder I get!
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
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