I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
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