Time fries when you’re having fun!
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
Variety is the ice of life.
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