Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
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