What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Time to celery-brate.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
One more thyme.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
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