“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
I bet you’re really flexible.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
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