Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Owl always love you.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
"Bugs and hisses."
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
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