Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
I like the way you espresso yourself.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
All you need is MY love
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
By the seat of one’s punt
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
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