What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Will you go penguin sledding with me?
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
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