A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
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