There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
I beg your garden?
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
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