I love you and I ain’t lion.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
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