How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
Yule be sorry.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
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