Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
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