Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
When are you due back in heaven?
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
I love you a tot!
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
You’re my lucky charm.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
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