I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
You are so right. And I am so left.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
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