Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.

How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.

What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.

Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe

“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown

Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.

I think you’re dandelion.

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.

“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!

Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key

What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln

Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.

How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”

I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.

Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.

I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.

There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.

Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art

“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire

My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.

Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)

(Laura E. Richards)

What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin

When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

Be-leaf me, you look great in green.

How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!

I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist

What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.

The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous

Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.

Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.

I wish I had your number, so I could’ve invited you to dinner last weekend.

I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.

Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!

Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!

My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.

What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!

I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.

Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.

“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown