What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
I like long runs on the beach.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
I've only got three months to live.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
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