This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
You’re more special than relativity.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
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