I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
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