What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
Irish you were beer.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
"Partners in wine."
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Can I hiber-mate with you?
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
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