I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
Do you be-leaf in magic?
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
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