Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Dublin over in laughter.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
It was mitten in the stars.
I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
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