What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
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