The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
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