What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
How hot does your gas oven get?
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Knock knock.
Come in.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
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