Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
I loaf you.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
Let's do lunge together
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
A round of Santa-plause, please.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"Read between the wines."
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
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