How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
Sip, sip, horray!
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
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