Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
Go to BabaMail
