I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
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