How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Go to BabaMail
