“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
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